What Is Your Love Language?

Do you know what the 5 Love Languages are and how this concept can solve a lot of relationship problems?

When two individuals in a relationship speak two vastly different Love Languages, their relationship can get lost in translation. Some couples can benefit from learning to interpret each other’s words and actions because they aren’t automatically on the same page. Relationship compatibility isn’t just about enjoying similar hobbies and liking the same foods — it’s about connecting on a deep emotional level and understanding one another’s needs and desires. Learning to speak each other’s Love Language is an important first step toward establishing true compatibility with another person. This is not just limited to romantic relationships either. Learning the Love Language of co-workers, colleagues, friends, and relatives can also help strengthen your relationship with those individuals.

It is incredibly important to be able to understand what really matters to people, and relate back to them in a way that makes sense.

The 5 Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages was created by relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts in 1992. The book outlines five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls “love languages.” The key, according to Chapman, is discovering which love language you and the other person you are looking to improve your relationship with, which one you each respond to the most, then regularly putting what you have learned into practice on a consistent basis.

5 Love Languages Defined

Gifts:

This love language might seem materialistic, but you don’t have to drop hundreds of dollars if this is your partner’s love language. It could be one flower or a favorite chocolate or dessert. A gift says, “my partner was thinking about me.” Gifts could be tangible or intangible items that make you feel appreciated or noticed. Going to your partner’s favorite concert, for example, is as much of a gift as flowers or that new wine decanter you want. 

To individuals who favor this love language, the absence of everyday gestures that show you remember them or a missed special occasions can be particularly harmful.

Quality Time:

This means giving your partner your undivided attention! Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV and cell phones off – talking AND listening. Put phones aside, turn all noise off, and just be with each other. 

Try your hardest not to flake on a date or check your phone when you’re together, because this can be hurtful to a quality time person.

Acts of Service:

Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service. Another part of acts of service is not doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

On the flip side, the way to disappoint a partner who appreciates act of service is through inaction. Either being too lazy or too disengaged to notice that you are making a mess or taking away your partner’s free time by the extra work you create.  

If you are someone who leaves a mess behind, sometimes this hurts your partner, because it increases your partner’s workload.

Physical Touch: 

Physical expressions of love, whether sexual or cuddling are important! These include: holding hands, a back massage, a hug, making out, sexual connection, or dancing. 

The absence of physical touch can leave some individuals feeling isolated in a relationship. This one can sometimes be seen as particularly important in monogamous relationships where one partner has no other choice for physical connection. 

Words of Affirmation:

These are verbal expressions of care and affection. “Thanks for putting the kids to bed” or “you looked really nice today.” Other examples include: writing a poem, or sending your partner a song that reminds you of them and telling them to listen to the lyrics.

Also consider telling your partner what you love about them, and writing a list of their greatest characteristics. 

Insults can be particularly upsetting to people who favor words of affirmation.

How Do I Know My Love Languages?

To learn which love language best represents you, head to the 5 love languages website and take their quiz. Then, you will get scored from 1 to 12 on all five love languages. You and another person can consider taking this quiz together, then you both know how to best communicate and act to support each other’s needs.

The area you score highest on is your primary language, while the lower scores are languages that you use less often and have less of an emotional affect on you.

Keep this in mind. This is not a fix-all. Love languages can’t fix everything in all relationships, of course. That is not the promise here. However, the concept does go a long way in helping each other in aiding the act of communicating better, and having another strategy to enhance and strengthen those communications with those we associate with, and perhaps even love.