Tag: Vital Ability LLC

Have A Disability? Don’t ‘Dis…… Your Ability!

Vital Ability

Disability does not mean inability. ~ Anonymous

A focus on ability

Any person who has experienced a disabling injury, illness, or trauma (whether temporary or permanent) and is able to be actively involved in the coaching experience, can benefit from working with a coach.

Whether a disability is visible or invisible, a coach can be a valuable addition as an accountability partner assisting their client to face and move beyond specific life challenges and critical moments. A client can benefit from coaching as it assists in managing their re-invented self, while moving forward with their life.

There is also an added benefit to having a coach who has a disability, or that has recovered from one. They are able to fully understand and relate to the struggles, barriers, and the journey of recovery. They have not only survived their own personal trauma, but they are able to share how they have thrived in spite of their challenges.  With that genuine experience, there is no doubt that your coach understands difficulty can relate to some of the hurdles and emotions of that experience, and knows what it takes to overcome complex obstacles. This can allow you to trust the process and get the most from the coaching experience.

How can a coaching session be designed to benefit someone with a disability?

  • designed to help the client improve their own medical communication between themselves and medical professionals, promote empowerment and change the way we define wellness, sickness and healing. Coaching allows you to explore your ability to make clear, direct requests for support and accommodations

  • designed to be a mental and emotional process of supporting a client to unlock their potential, maximize their performance and grow beyond the current circumstances of their condition

  • designed around creating a structure for change, fulfillment, for the sake of enhancing well-being, and recognizing limitations

  • designed to help the client gain greater clarity about if, when, and how to self-disclose about their disability to others

  • designed to help identify and discover a client’s strengths, and confidently face difficult situations while expanding problem solving skills

  • designed to help expand the client’s ability to make clear, direct requests for support and accommodations

  • designed to explore time management skills with the Client

  • designed to help a client to find their own answers and solutions, become more creative, resilient, and adaptive

  • designed to offer space and attentiveness for the client to experience and see themselves authentically and develop their communication skills

Let us help you move from “survivor” to “thriver”.

http://www.vitalability.com

A Little Patience Goes A Long Way

Vital Ability

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

~ Anonymous

We all know that relationships can be difficult. One of the best methods we have for making every relationship less stressful and more enjoyable is to show a little patience.  Patience has been defined as what we lack for the driver in front of us and demand from the driver behind us.

In truth, patience is nothing more than time. Patience enables us to analyze things and situations beyond their face value.

  • Time before we say something: Think of a time when someone was not patient with you when you needed them to be. Think of how you felt. Think of how deeply you might have been hurt. The next time you find yourself losing patience with another, take a moment to remind yourself of how you felt when someone had no patience with you.
  • Time before moaning and groaning: Patience takes time, but no more time than the showing of anger; of stomping or yelling or whining or complaining. A little patience can often resolve a conflict that a loss of patience will only escalate.
  • Time to just let things run their course: Arnold H. Glasow said, The key to everything is patience. You get a chicken by hatching an egg, not by smashing it.î Some things require a certain amount of time. Losing patience only hurts ourselves and won’t speed up the process.

So take the time to smile instead of frown; the time to wink instead of snarl. How much time does it really take to give someone a small nod or a pat on the back? We never stop to think about how a little of our time can make such a big difference in how we make another feel.

He that can have patience can have what he will

~ Benjamin Franklin

We can enjoy the following life-changing benefits by learning how to become patient.

Long-Term Vision

By understanding the importance of having patience we can maintain an unwavering focus on our long-term goals. Temporary setbacks like a delayed promotion, failing to qualify for a tournament or exam, a re-scheduled medical appointment, or enduring train and flight delays don’t affect a patient person much.

Mental And Physical Well-Being

We can see how patience plays an important role in our mental and physical wellness. By understanding the importance of patience in our life, we can learn to stay in control of our emotions and avoids negative feelings such as anger, frustration, helplessness, etc. Patience can be therapeutic and help during rehabilitation processes and various therapies.

Ability To Make A Sustained Effort

Patience gives people the perspective to focus on long-term strategies. You would have noticed that patient people have a reputation for persistence. This is because they work towards their goals despite setbacks and delays. Effort is directly tied to our goals and the the results we get from that effort, or lack of effort.

Sometimes effort might mean just getting out of bed in the morning. It looks different for everyone.

Peace And Popularity

A lack of patience is nothing more than a reflection of ourselves, an exercise in self-control, and maintains a great role in our goals/objectives being achieved. Patience enables us to analyze things and situations beyond their face value. Being patient can help give us inner peace and provide the ability to keep smiling despite challenges.

The lack of patience is the key to so much unhappiness and grief in this world, when all it requires is a little time on our part. One of the simplest ways to build stronger relationships and bring more happiness into our lives is by becoming a little more patient.

Showing someone patience is really giving to another that which we wish to receive.

Patience and fortitude conquer all things.

~Ralph Waldo Emmerson

http://www.vitalability.com

Eating For Life

Vital Ability
Nutrition affects our overall health. Food balance is imperative to helping us develop our brains, strengthen our immune systems, and support healing.

Your body is worth the best you can do for it. This means getting proper amounts of sleep, rest, water, and food.

There is a balance to be had in all things, and food is no different. You aren’t going to be able to deal with food or manage your nutrition by pretending that it doesn’t exist, or that you are not responsible for it.

Eating is an essential part of life. We cannot sustain life for long without eating, so it is important that we take the time to learn how to eat well in order to have the best life possible. Our views of eating and the eating practices we adopt will affect our lives and our health in significant ways in the months and years ahead. Eating well can literally change everything.

Eating can be both a blessing and a curse. Many people struggle with eating because they cannot keep it in balance. They end up eating too little or too much and do not live healthy lives because of it. We all know the dangers of eating too little. Probably everyone has at least one friend that struggles with an eating disorder of some kind. That friend just cannot seem to get a grip on their eating patterns and they are unhealthy because of it. They think about or talk about food almost constantly.

Other people struggle with eating too much. Eating more food than we need to live is something that the majority of people, at least in the West, struggle with. Eating is associated with most kinds of social activities and events and therefore people learn to eat for reasons other than to satisfy hunger or prolong their health. Eating becomes a way to experience pleasure or to numb the pains of life.

The bottom line is that whether people struggle with eating too little or with indulging on food too much, they are not using food in ways that are healthy and life-promoting. Eating, while it is definitely meant to bring people pleasure and satisfaction, is primarily to be a means of sustaining a healthy life. Our problems begin anytime eating is neglected or indulged in beyond what is necessary.

Take a look at your eating patterns. You may be surprised to see that you have established unhealthy eating habits over the years. Perhaps your schedule for each day is centered around when you can have meals or a snack. If so, there is a high chance that food has become a bit too high of a priority. Anytime that your thoughts are consumed with food, whether with restraining yourself from it or with consuming more of it, you are thinking of eating and of food in unhealthy ways.

Beginners Guide To Setting A Goal For Healthy Nutritional Eating

If you’re currently not eating a healthy diet, it can be difficult to start such a plan. However, healthy eating along with some exercise is very important for maintaining a good bodily function and goes a long way towards living a disease-free life. If you struggle with healthy eating, then you know that breaking unhealthy habits can be the most difficult part of the process. Therefore, if you truly want to live the best lifestyle possible, it is important to follow tips in order to start eating a more healthy diet.

A great first step when you want to start eating your way to a healthy lifestyle is to rid your home of all temptations that will distract you from following better eating habits. Ideally it would be a wise course to keep junk foods and beverages out of your house so as not be tempted to snack during the day. If you’re worried about getting hungry, keep healthy snacks like carrot sticks, yogurt, fresh fruit, or whole-wheat crackers on hand. If you find that you just cannot bear to toss out the sweets, try keeping something tiny on hand, peppermints or barley sugar. Eating a few, (emphasis on few) of these won’t ruin your diet but also will give you that little sugary fix you rave.

Another great step to healthy eating, when you’re first starting the process, is to take a few moments to learn what foods are the healthiest for you and how they work within the body. To start eating healthily we must begin by thinking healthily. Most people understand that fruits, vegetables, and low-fat meats and dairy products are good for you, but few people understand why. The key is learning about nutrients. When you understand how specific nutrients work and why you need them, it becomes more reasonable for you to make healthier choices for your body. Knowledge really is power!

Preparation is a major key in commencing a new healthy diet. You must take into consideration your schedule for meals. If you often eat in a rushed hurry at odd times of day, you are probably more inclined to grab a rushed meal which will probably do more harm than good. So plan ahead! Instead of grabbing a fast food lunch on the go, take a bagged lunch to work, complete with a healthy wrap and some fresh fruit and vegetables. Remember not to forget your evening meal, a simple plan to have a meal ready before you get home would be perfect, but in our fast paced lifestyle, sometimes this just can’t be done. One way to solve this problem is to plan out your evening meals for the week, on your days off. Perhaps just before you do your weekly shopping. Another warning: when going to the shops, do not venture there hungry because if you’re anything like me, one or two chocolate bars won’t hurt! That becomes the first break in your healthy eating.

Initially many will find it very difficult to make those necessary changes to healthier eating. Along with the difficulty of change, you may not feel well for a short period of time. Usually this is normal as your body is adjusting to your new and improved life style and is cleansing itself from the unhealthy toxins built up from poor eating habits. However if this feeling continues or you are worried a visit to your doctor would be the correct thing to do.

Start with baby steps. Even if you only replace one soda a day with a glass of water, you are really improving your calorie intake. If you eat fast food every day for lunch, try replacing that half of the time with better quality foods. When you start by taking small steps you aren’t cutting out all of the foods you love all at once. By taking your time to learn about your eating habits and slowly replacing them with better meals, by taking the time to learn and understand why you should be doing that and making the necessary changes in an orderly fashion, you will feel much better within yourself physically, mentally and emotionally and well on the road to becoming as healthy as you can be.

So, eat for life – don’t allow to let life eat you. After all, you are worth it!

http://www.vitalability.com

The Choice Between Optimism and Pessimism

Vital Ability

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty

~Winston Churchill

When it comes to how we view the world, most of us fall into one of two categories: optimist or pessimist.

According to the world’s foremost expert on optimism, Dr. Martin Seligman, everyone is born optimistic.  And yet, 95% of grownups are pessimists, not optimists.  What goes wrong?  Some people see the glass as half empty.  Others see it as half full.  But is it really as simple as that?  Is it possible to be a bit of both?

When you think about it, most people tend to be an optimist sometimes and a pessimist other times.  Ironically, a lot of times things turn out according to how we feel about the situation.  If a person feels like something will go well or feels optimistic about it, it usually seems to go well. The same is true of the reverse.  When someone feels like something will go badly, it tends to do just that.

Optimism and pessimism are two sides of the same coin. They’re both attitudes or mindsets, but one is positive, while the other is negative.

In the academic world, optimism can be defined as “the extent to which people hold generalized favorable expectancies for their future” (Carver et al., 2010)

Optimism is about more than feeling good; it’s about being engaged with a meaningful life, developing resilience, and feeling in control.  Optimism is a mental attitude that heavily influences physical and mental health, as well as coping with everyday social experiences, relationship dynamics, and work life. 

An optimistic attitude isn’t always that easy to come by. It really takes concentrated effort. Anyone can learn to be optimistic if they find out what their purpose in life is.

An optimist, when faced with a problem, tends to find the upside to the situation and starts figuring out ways to solve that problem, or ways to turn it around.  A pessimist, however, immediately throws up his hands, and yells, “That’s it; it’s all over. I can’t handle this anymore.”  Or he will distance himself from the problem, pretending it doesn’t matter.  This is denial, and it never works.

An indication that you are dealing with a pessimist is in a simple phrase they will use in stressful situations – “I can’t”.  The pessimist is helpless, powerless and it shows in his response.  The optimist responds with – “I won’t”.  The optimist is making a conscious choice, not just reacting.

An optimist prefers to think more positively.  They focus on what they really want, not what might happen to them.

Think about the following statements:

  • Optimists achieve their goals because they never give up
  • Optimists attract Success naturally
  • Optimists are happier, healthier and more energetic than pessimists
  • Optimists are easier to be around, inspiring people around to be positive
  • Optimists live longer and suffer from fewer and less severe diseases
  • Besides the above, optimists lead higher quality of life.

These are all probably true just by the fact that optimists’ positive thinking makes challenging situations “not that bad” after all. 

Now true optimism is not sitting back, thinking positive thoughts, and hoping everything will turn out all right.  It’s how you see the world, positively rather than negatively.  You face each situation, each problem, and each occasion with a positive attitude; and you always look forward to the “benefits” you will derive from it. You have a choice.  “Change your thoughts and change your world,” said Norman Vincent Peale. What it comes down to is that your attitude is a conscious choice.  If you choose pessimism, you’re choosing to see the down side of every situation, judge people unfairly, and live unhappily the rest of your life.  What an oppressive existence!

On the other hand, if you choose optimism, you’re empowering yourself to see the positive side of each challenge, seeing the good in people, helping them to see the good in life too.  Taking action to further improve your own life, and living happily with friends and family who care about you.  Attracting all good to yourself. Choosing to be more optimistic and positive does not mean you won’t encounter difficult times, trauma, loss and many challenges.  What it does mean is that you will have more power on your side to help you through those tough times.  You’ll bounce back faster and make better choices, rather than letting life just wash over you.  You’ll learn to be proactive, instead of reactive.

If you’re not naturally optimistic and positive, don’t worry.  You can learn how to use your thoughts to change your attitude and emotions.  It won’t be easy.  Some days will be very challenging, but you can do it.  Improving your optimism rates is one of the most important actions you can take to improve your life.  It doesn’t come automatically, though.  It takes effort. It takes deliberate, conscious awareness of your thoughts and feelings.  And then acting on that awareness.

Each time you think a negative thought, stop right there and turn it around to find the positive aspect of the situation. Do this each time and build on it.  It will become a habit to be positive and upbeat about your life.

According to a study published in Clinical Psychology Review, optimism is closely linked to resilience. “Optimism has been shown to create physical and mental resilience for people, even those who have been through extraordinarily traumatic life circumstances or medical situations,” says Iyer.

Here are some stating points and things to consider:

Many people compare optimism with happiness. Even though they can influence each other, they aren’t the same thing. Sometimes optimists are see as people who only see the positive in every situation, yet that is not accurate. Positive thinking doesn’t mean you ignore the things that cause you stress in your life. It doesn’t mean that you are happy-go-lucky all the time or don’t experience hardship either. It does mean though, that you are creating an ability to approach and deal with those things in a productive way.

Practice your ‘positive thinking’ and your ‘positive feeling’.  Give yourself permission to think new thoughts and feel new feelings.

You can be as optimistic as you want that you will attract whatever it is you want to focus on.  The productive action helps to push things to that end, and you will get there. 

So I would say to you: Choose to be Optimistic!  Expect the best out of life!  Just Think and Act Optimistically.

www.vitalability.com

5 Ways To Focus On Goal Setting

Vital Ability

Life is nothing but an obstacle course, it’s all about getting through that obstacle course to your desired goal that most people seem to have a problem with. It’s only normal to encounter obstacles in the pursuit of your goal. It helps to look at obstacles as a test to get you to the next level.

However, when these obstacles start to become a nuisance to the point of almost putting a stop to your goal(s); or worse, making you completely abandon your goal, you must take action and think things through.

Here are some helpful, tested pointers that will keep your attention focused in achieving any goal that you put your mind to.

1. Think Positive

This means: Do not quite. Don’t allow yourself to give up. Especially when you are midway working for a specific goal, there should be no room for quitting. Adjusting yes, quitting no.

To quit is tantamount to going back to the starting line of goal accomplishment. That is time, energy, money, and a whole lot of things wasted and lost. It is more costly to quit than to find a solution to the problem, not to mention the frustration one feels.

2. Keep a clear, open and tense-free mind

Always be ready to receive new ideas. Focus and concentrate. Think in a wide scale manner and always be open to new options to eliminate the particular obstacle you are currently dealing with.

3. Persist and Persevere

Be sure to exhaust every possibility, even to the point of trial and error, just to be sure that there is a solution to correct the problem you’re dealing with.

4. Simulate and Visualize

Try to picture inside your head a possible solution to help overcome and/or solve the obstacle that’s setting you back.

5. Ask for Help

If all fails, get assistance from others you know who are more knowledgeable on the work being done. Their suggestions might not necessarily be the exact ones you were hoping to hear, but they may trigger some NEW ideas in finding the right solution to your problem.

www.vitalability.com

Being Solution-Focused Is A Superpower

Vital Ability

I am unapologetically building my life up with those that are supportive of the vision for positivity, self-awareness, and the willingness to take personal accountability for their own choices. Those willing to give more than they take to those around them is a vital ability.

I am solution-focused personally and in business. I am on an amazing path that allows me not only to empower myself, yet empower others also. This includes the ability to live in a state of mindfulness that supports living the best version of myself, and encourages others to do the same.

The mindfulness piece also includes being mindful of creating a bit of distance between myself and those that are negatively infectious.
These folks that have blocked themselves from any kind of self-awareness, personal growth, common decency, are habitually toxic, or lack the fortitude to be personally accountable, are the types of people that tend to have a problem for every solution. They are unapologetically disinterested in putting forth effort to improve themselves or the world around them.

Keep in mind that creating distance doesn’t mean I hate anyone. It isn’t rejection, or sanctimonious posturing…this couldn’t be further from the truth. It does mean though, that I have boundaries and standards. It does mean that I love myself enough to no longer be infected with their toxicity. It means I have chosen to be a positive source of love and light for myself and others interested and willing to receive it.

If you are interested in making an improvement in your life, are looking for an accountability partner, interested in setting or completing goals for yourself, and exploring how a life of being solution-focused can manifest positivity for you, then feel free to reach out to me directly. I am honored to know you.

www.vitalability.com

What Is Luck Anyway?

Vital Ability

According to Miriam Webster Dictionary, “Luck” is the events or circumstances that operate for or against an individual; or success or failure brought by chance rather than through one’s own actions.

Has anyone ever told you that you are lucky, or said good “LUCK” to you – which let’s face it, depending on the tone used it can generate warm fuzzies or a harsh critique. Has anyone you know, or yourself even….held tight to a lucky object (like a rabbit’s foot, a picture, a keychain, etc) or a belief…no matter how ridiculous (like the sing-song kid rhyme that “if you step on a crack, you’ll break your mother’s back”) it sounds?  Have you every referred to someone as born lucky, or lucky to be alive, or whatever happened to them was the luck of the draw?  What does that even mean….really?  Of course if you have the lucky folks, you have to have the unlucky too, right?  Or is it the belief itself that creates this “LUCK”?

People have questioned whether luck is a form of spirituality, perhaps giving comfort – or a strong held belief in faith itself.  Some folks believe it is nothing but pure superstition. Perhaps even a state of mind or mental prowess, and how we apply it in our own lives, based on our own values and beliefs. 

Regardless, one thing is clear –  Luck, or rather….the belief in “LUCK”…..gives people HOPE.

Lets break it down a little further….If luck is chance….and chance is often used to mean opportunity.  Well then….

If that is truly the case, then any time you create something….any time you take notice in someone….anytime you are presented with an opportunity that you take on as your own or take advantage of in some way – then ultimately one could say that you are laying the groundwork for not only maximizing your experiences, but laying the groundwork to allow “LUCK” (or in this case chance) to come to full fruition as something that substantially impacts the person doing the work for it.

Lucky people make successful decisions…right? Lucky people have good intuition and strong gut feelings;  Lucky people expect greatness and then seek ways to achieve that greatness. Lucky people have these amazing opportunities that just seem to fall into their lap, seemingly sometimes, without even trying.

Think about it.  If an outcome is lucky, then that means, by the thought in and of itself…that having “luck” creates an outcome that is significant in impacting that persons life, where if it is unlucky then the belief is, by that person, that the result is somehow jinxed, or is negative, or unlikely. 

It seems it is all boiled down to our mental attitude and perhaps even who we choose to hobnob with that influence our perception of what luck is and how it comes about; perhaps our “luck” is driven by who we view can support our vital abilities, our talents, our intuition, our open-minded belief in possibility, HOPE, and perhaps even the unseen things we may not be able to understand as clearly……like the power of a miracle.

What is luck Anyway?

I think it is our opportunity to learn and grow, while squeezing the benefits from our experiences, while allowing us to analyze how we can avoid mistakes…not just now in this moment….but in the future; I think “LUCK” propels us through a continuum of time and a magnitude of exploring our perceptions; forges us onward with a valiant courage and stout faith that allows us to step into the seeming void and find those rocks beneath our feet just by taking a chance with that next step.  

This means….guess what???? That we….all of us…… are ALL Lucky……even if we aren’t Irish (Happy St. Patrick’s Day for those that are), or wearing green! 

Thanks for reading….and HEY…….GOOD LUCK!!!

www.vitalability.com

What Is Your Love Language?

Vital Ability

Do you know what the 5 Love Languages are and how this concept can solve a lot of relationship problems?

When two individuals in a relationship speak two vastly different Love Languages, their relationship can get lost in translation. Some couples can benefit from learning to interpret each other’s words and actions because they aren’t automatically on the same page. Relationship compatibility isn’t just about enjoying similar hobbies and liking the same foods — it’s about connecting on a deep emotional level and understanding one another’s needs and desires. Learning to speak each other’s Love Language is an important first step toward establishing true compatibility with another person. This is not just limited to romantic relationships either. Learning the Love Language of co-workers, colleagues, friends, and relatives can also help strengthen your relationship with those individuals.

It is incredibly important to be able to understand what really matters to people, and relate back to them in a way that makes sense.

The 5 Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages was created by relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts in 1992. The book outlines five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls “love languages.” The key, according to Chapman, is discovering which love language you and the other person you are looking to improve your relationship with, which one you each respond to the most, then regularly putting what you have learned into practice on a consistent basis.

5 Love Languages Defined

Gifts:

This love language might seem materialistic, but you don’t have to drop hundreds of dollars if this is your partner’s love language. It could be one flower or a favorite chocolate or dessert. A gift says, “my partner was thinking about me.” Gifts could be tangible or intangible items that make you feel appreciated or noticed. Going to your partner’s favorite concert, for example, is as much of a gift as flowers or that new wine decanter you want. 

To individuals who favor this love language, the absence of everyday gestures that show you remember them or a missed special occasions can be particularly harmful.

Quality Time:

This means giving your partner your undivided attention! Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV and cell phones off – talking AND listening. Put phones aside, turn all noise off, and just be with each other. 

Try your hardest not to flake on a date or check your phone when you’re together, because this can be hurtful to a quality time person.

Acts of Service:

Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service. Another part of acts of service is not doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

On the flip side, the way to disappoint a partner who appreciates act of service is through inaction. Either being too lazy or too disengaged to notice that you are making a mess or taking away your partner’s free time by the extra work you create.  

If you are someone who leaves a mess behind, sometimes this hurts your partner, because it increases your partner’s workload.

Physical Touch: 

Physical expressions of love, whether sexual or cuddling are important! These include: holding hands, a back massage, a hug, making out, sexual connection, or dancing. 

The absence of physical touch can leave some individuals feeling isolated in a relationship. This one can sometimes be seen as particularly important in monogamous relationships where one partner has no other choice for physical connection. 

Words of Affirmation:

These are verbal expressions of care and affection. “Thanks for putting the kids to bed” or “you looked really nice today.” Other examples include: writing a poem, or sending your partner a song that reminds you of them and telling them to listen to the lyrics.

Also consider telling your partner what you love about them, and writing a list of their greatest characteristics. 

Insults can be particularly upsetting to people who favor words of affirmation.

How Do I Know My Love Languages?

To learn which love language best represents you, head to the 5 love languages website and take their quiz. Then, you will get scored from 1 to 12 on all five love languages. You and another person can consider taking this quiz together, then you both know how to best communicate and act to support each other’s needs.

The area you score highest on is your primary language, while the lower scores are languages that you use less often and have less of an emotional affect on you.

Keep this in mind. This is not a fix-all. Love languages can’t fix everything in all relationships, of course. That is not the promise here. However, the concept does go a long way in helping each other in aiding the act of communicating better, and having another strategy to enhance and strengthen those communications with those we associate with, and perhaps even love.

www.vitalability.com

Boo-tiful Ways To Set Boundaries

Vital Ability

Hapy October everyone! What a great way to begin the month…no tricks…just some tips that hopefully you will find useful in your communication processes. I kind of gave it away by the title…however, yep, you got it – we are to be discussing here the boo-tiful ways to set boundaries.

We all have boundaries. Some are visible and can actually be seen, like a fence, a gate, a room partition, an office cubicle, security alarms, etc. Others though, are not visible and not known unless we communicate them. Boundaries protect our space, our feelings, and our bodies. We all have different levels of tolerance, patience, and personal limits. Boundaries can establish very clearly, when communicated, where those lines are. How we communicate those lines though, is just as important as the boundaries themselves.

There are no exact rules or guidelines for setting boundaries for yourself, or how to honor the boundaries of another person. Ultimately, boundaries speak to what we identify as making us comfortable or uncomfortable. Sometimes, our boundaries change over time. Sometimes though, they are as set as a concrete pillar that doesn’t move…not even with the scariest ghoolish affects. Our boundaries can vary from person to person and situation to situation. There is no set way or list of rules that says you must do this or that to set a boo-tiful boundary.

Our boundaries for one aspect of our life, may not apply to other aspects of our lives. I know, I know, it’s complicated. In fact, the word “boundary” suggests separation, rejection, or isolation. However, I invite you to explore the possibility that setting boundaries can also mean that a person is establishing healthy rules, guided connections, or perhaps even instruction for navigation in any number of situations. Now, isn’t that a treat?!!

How my boundaries are shaped may differ dramatically from how your boundaries are shaped, and that is okay. Some folks may appear to have no boundaries, or significantly less than you have and that can be uncomfortable, overwhelming, and for some, even scary. Maybe though, it is the opposite for you. The more vulnerable a person is and the less boundaries they display puts you at ease, makes you feel secure, safe, and relaxed. Our boundaries are influenced by our upbringing, family dynamics, life experiences, triumphs, pitfalls, our heritage or culture, our religious or spiritual beliefs, the region or Country we come from, exposure to various social circles, and our comfort level in general.

See what I mean when I say it is all so complicated?

You can start by recognizing, honoring and understanding what your rights are in this process. When you honor your rights, you’ll stop spending so much negative energy seeking to please or pacify others who dishonor them. Inherently, your body knows when your boundaries are being tested, or crossed. Pay attention to how your body talks to you. Feel your heart rate. Are you sweating? Is there tightness in your chest, stomach, or throat? What are the micro-expressions you exude when a certain topic is brought up? Do you roll your eyes, cross your arms, or sigh audibly as loud as possible?

Basic Rights When Setting Boundaries:

  • I have a right to say no without feeling guilty. You can say no without an explanation and without providing any emotional response to the person you’re saying it to. You can even throw in a thank you…as in “No, thank you”
  • I have a right to be treated with respect.
  • I have a right to prioritize my needs as important as others.
  • I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and failures.
  • I have a right not to meet others’ unreasonable expectations of me.

Learn to use “I feel” statements when setting personal boundaries. Identifying yourself first, so it doesn’t sound like you are blaming, but rather owning your own stuff and taking responsibility for your own feelings.

I feel ____ when _____ because _____________________. What I need is (you can also use What I would like is…)__________.

“when”…and this is where you place the action they have done to make you feel that way, how they caused it, or the behavior that is the problem.

“because” tells them what the result of their action caused and how it related to how they made you feel.

“What I need is”(or “What I would like is)…this is where you put exactly what you need, what you are looking for, what you want to happen instead, or action they can take to create a resolution to the situation.

You can leave it there, or add a question at the end to show you are willing to work together, or are open to resolving the problem together as a team.

  1. “I feel ___ (taking responsibility for one’s own feelings)
  2. “when__ ” (stating the behavior that is a problem)
  3. “because____” (what it is about the behavior or its consequences that is being objected)
  4. “Can we work this out together?” (or something similar to show you are open to working on the problem together)

NOT OK: Example 1 – “You never appreciate anything I do and I hate it here”

OKAY: Example 1 – “I feel overwhelmed when every time I submit a report that you haven’t even looked at yet, you belittle me, because I put a lot of effort into the work I do for this company and for you as my Supervisor. What I would like is to hear how you appreciate all my effort, recognize the time I committed to this project, and to have you review the report in its entirety and then communicate respectfully with me about it.

(optional add) Is this doable?”

NOT OKAY: Example 2 – “I’m not stupid you know. How am I expected to remember everything when this office cannot even do things properly?”

OKAY: Example 2 – “I feel embarrassed when I forget an appointment because it makes me look like I don’t care, when I do. What I need is help with reminder calls, texts, or emails about my appointments to avoid missing them in the future.

(optional add) Do you have an option for reminders to be sent?”

“I” statements can just be as simple as changing a “you” statement (which can feel like an attack by the other person) into an “I” (makes it personal) statement:

NOT OKAY: Example 3 – “You are always leaving your mess everywhere”

OKAY: Example 3 – “I feel frustrated when I come home and the house is messy.”

Do you see how the way we change our communication can change the potential outcome and also help us set some pretty specific boundaries?

Defining and asserting your boundaries can get be a bit more challenging if a person is dealing with mental illness, depression, anxiety, or a history of trauma. If your boundaries are being crossed, or you have having trouble being able to set healthy boundaries, a counselor may be the ticket to helping you develop some of those self-advocacy skills. Keep in mind, that just because it’s your trauma, doesn’t mean other people automatically know about it, are aware of your boundaries, and often boundaries can be crossed unintentionally.

Basic Signs That Your Boundaries May Need To Be Changed:

  • Feeling chronically taken advantage of in certain situations, such as emotionally, financially, or physically.
  • Saying “yes” to please others at your own expense.
  • You don’t get your needs met because you tend to fear conflict and give in to others.
  • Often feeling disrespected by others, but not standing up for yourself.
  • Your fear of being rejected or abandoned leaves you accepting less that you deserve.
  • Engaging in people-pleasing behaviors in order to be liked and to receive approval.
  • Engaging in disrespectful behavior that hurts others.
  • Flirting with those who are in relationships and/or flirt when you are in a relationship even when it harms others.
  • Doing whatever you want to get your needs met—believing that limits don’t apply to you.

If someone is repeatedly pushing or violating your boundaries, listen to your internal instincts about how it makes you feel and whether that is something that you are willing to continue allowing to happen. You also should make every effort not to be the person that is crossing other folks’ boundaries. If you are not sure if you are, ask them. Keep that open line of communication with whoever you are speaking with and you can even say, “Please let me know if I am crossing any boundaries with you or making you feel uncomfortable in any way”…or something like that.

If you have interaction with someone who continues to violate your boundaries, even after you have communicated to them what they are, it can sometimes be the wisest move is to distance yourself from those who choose not to respect your boundaries. Sometimes this may even involve the need to change jobs, change departments, changing classes, moving, or establishing or leaning on a support system to help navigate your ability to be assertive (not agressive) and advocate for yourself.

Now you have a firmer grasp on what boundaries are and why they’re so important. They create the foundation for healthy relationship with ourselves and with everyone we interact with. Boundaries are a vital part of communication and a vital part of life. Take the next step in exploring some of those Boo-tiful ways to set those boundaries and be the best version of yourself you can be.

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Positive Psychology In Coaching

Vital Ability

Positive psychology can be summed up as a solution-focused “applied positive psychological approach” aimed at facilitating goal achievement, wellbeing and positive change in various areas of a person’s life. In other words, it emphasizes the positive influences in a person’s life.

This theory is based on the belief that happiness is derived from both emotional and mental factors in a person’s life, and focuses on the possibility that lies ahead for that person as their visualized ideal self.

In most situations, coaches use multiple models of coaching to create a coaching experience that’s highly tailored and suited to each specific individual who is seeking those services. Typically, there is no cookie-cutter method used as each client has specific things they wish to focus on. Coaches often utilize these various modalities and resources to supplement the coaching experience and encourage conversations that help move the client to raise their awareness, reflect on their values, create and make action steps, while working towards their goals. Positive psychology coaching (also referred to as Strengths-Based Coaching, or Positive Coaching)  is just one of those methods that a coach may incorporate.

The fundamental aspects of positive psychology, include helping a client explore their resilience, weaknesses, strengths, values, optimistic emotions, self-compassion, and focuses on the positive developments, instead of fixing any deficits. Developing an understanding of negative thoughts and behaviors versus positive thoughts and behaviors, and understanding which are needed to achieve goals and objectives, is at the heart of positive psychology coaching.

Coaching clients by incorporating positive psychology can help clients become clearer about what changes they might need to make to achieve their desired goals and objectives.

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Breaking The Chains of Procrastination

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Procrastination is often confused with laziness, but they are very different. Laziness is when we are able to carry out some activity that we should be carrying out, yet are choosing not do so so because of the effort involved; not working, not doing anything, avoiding to make an effort by all means necessary; showing lack of effort entirely; or  when our motivation to spare ourselves effort, surpasses our motivation to do the right, best, or expected action. Laziness is about avoiding responsibilities completely, and although it is normal for a person to feel lazy from time to time, when it becomes chronic, it may cause harm to one’s professional and personal life.

Procrastination means to postpone one task in favor of another or others which are perceived as being easier or more enjoyable, but that are typically less important or urgent. Further, the procrastinator does make effort and intends to complete the task under they are undertaking, and, often they do eventually complete it, although at a much higher cost to themselves. Procrastination is a result of poor planning, the fear of decision making, sometimes perfectionism, and manifests itself in postponing time-sensitive matters in favor of doing something less stressful and responsible. 

This should not be confused with postponing, though there is a fine line between the two. Postponing something is not procrastinating. Sometimes we may need to postpone something if something more pressing comes up. In order for postponement to amount to procrastination, it has to represent poor or ineffective planning and result in a higher overall cost to the procrastinator. This may include lack of progress, accomplishment, or specific consequences.

Procrastination is a trap that many of us fall into at some point in our lives. It happens. This can make us feel guilty, stressed, or ashamed. It can lead to reduced productivity, lost opportunities, and cause us to miss out on meeting particular deadlines, valuable experiences, or achieving our goals.

While it may be comforting to hear all this and hear that it happens to all of us at some point and time – this should not thrust us into complacency. Just to know that you’re not alone though can be compelling. It can also be sobering to realize just how much it can hold us back.

There are two types of procrastination, chronic and acute. Chronic procrastination has a deep, strong, and permanent psychological cause that may not be so easily eliminated. It can be done, but it takes patience and hard work.

On the other hand, acute procrastination can be caused even by small mood or energy swings throughout the day, or other small psychological triggers which aren’t a steady natural part of your psyche (like having a bad day, for example). Acute procrastination happens as an out-of-the-ordinary behavioral pattern. 

Check out this Article written about the differences between Acute and Chronic Procrastination.

So what can we do about procrastination? Is there any hope to change? Absolutely!!! This is the beauty of being open to personal growth:

  • Awareness. Awareness and self-knowledge are the keys to figuring out how to stop procrastinating. It is helpful to understand the reasons you are procrastinating before you can begin to tackle it. Often times, knowing our true reasons for procrastinating makes it easier to stop.

  • Eliminate Distractions. Limit the number of distractions around you. Working in a quite and calm area can help increase productivity. Turn off the notifications on your phone, or turn your phone off; Have a plan to dedicate a certain amount of time to this project. Manager your time. You may even set a timer. An important concept in time management is that you don’t manage only your time, but also consider your energy levels. 

  • Set Goals. It’s best to start with writing your goal(s) down first. Then establish simple, reachable goals rather than goals that are unrealistic. and if you write it down, follow through no matter what. By doing so you will slowly rebuild trust in yourself that you will really do what you say you will, which so many procrastinators have lost. However, it all starts by writing it all down. That’s right, all of it…small goals, large goals, small tasks, large tasks….all of it. Don’t sabotage yourself though by having unrealistic expectations that you cannot meet.

  • Prioritize. Remember that list we said to make? You can utilize this list to prioritize the things that need your attention first. Address your most critical or time-sensitive assignments first, and work your way down the list. Get the hardest stuff out of the way first thing. This will make everything else feel like it falls into place to be more manageable.

  • Get Organized. You are more likely to procrastinate if you don’t have a set plan or idea in place for accomplishing your goal. Utilize a planner, desktop calendar, or digital tracker to keep track of appointments, project due dates, and other important tasks. By the way, even if you’re organized, you can still feel overwhelmed by a task. Take it slow, but not too slow. Allow yourself to incorporate being flexible.

  • Take a Break. It doesn’t have to be long. Give it 10-15 minutes. A break can increase focus, reduce stress, and help you better retain information. Take a walk, excercise, pamper yourself, dance to some loud music, whatever works for you.

  • Set Deadlines. Get yourself out of the habit by saying “oh I’ll just do it tomorrow” or “later”.

  • Monitor Self-Talk. Talk to yourself in ways that remind you of your goals and replace those old, counter-productive negative habits of self-talk. Instead of saying, “I wish I hadn’t…or “It’s just not possible”…or “I can’t do it” – ” say, “I will …”I am making it possible”….or “I am capable of doing…” The way we speak to ourselves can literally affect the way we move forward with completing a task, and in many ways determines whether we even take steps to begin.

  • Reward Yourself. Rewarding yourself is valuable when you create an incentive to work towards. This can be as simple or as elaborate as you choose. Make sure that after the completed result that you get something out of it (even if that is time to enjoy a favorite hobby, excursion, food, or experience).

  • Hold Yourself Accountable. You and you alone are responsible for the effort you put into completing a project. You are in control of what you do complete or don’t complete in other aspects of your life; if you need help in holding yourself accountable, tell a friend or family member and ask them to check up on your goals, deadlines, and accomplishments. You can even hire a life coach to help as an accountability partner.

I am reminded of a quote that my dad used to tell me from Benjamin Franklin, when I was younger……

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Independence Day

Vital Ability

Independence fosters a person’s ability to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. Independence is a prime motivator for self-determination and success in life.

In the beginning of our life, our self-esteem and sense of our value is dependent upon our parents’ influence and perception of us and the world. What they say we are worth is what we believe about ourselves. Later, it is our social circles and friends, then society who we let tell us what our life is worth. A person has the ability to choose whether to live by the opinions of others, form their own opinions, or a mixture of the two.

Although we are free to pursue our own dreams, we are still a society that values status. We use titles and college degrees, certifications, employment experiences, money and material things to measure a person’s worth. We often let social standing and what others think of us dictate what our actions are and this influences our self-esteem. However, the rut of getting stuck in this vicious cycle doesn’t have to stay this way. You can learn to develop your own value, to be valuable to yourself. By learning to invest in yourself, be valuable to yourself, gives you the tools necessary to embrace independence.

Independence doesn’t mean you never need other people. It doesn’t mean that you don’t need a support system. It doesn’t mean that you can handle everything all by yourself and never get stuck. It does mean that you maintain your own status quo though. You are in control of the type of help you get and the type of people you get help from. You are in control of whether you are willing to not only be a support for others, but accept support from others. Giving help to someone without encouraging their independence is often worse than not helping at all. When you foster dependency, you are limiting people from their potential. This is the importance of stepping out beyond your comfort zones to allow yourself the freedom to grow, to learn, to change. Fostering that independence can help make life a smoother experience that is more manageable.

It is said that every person has four endowments: self awareness, a conscience, independent will, and creative imagination. Utilizing these gifts, provides us the ultimate freedom. The power to choose (we always have a choice), to respond (not react), to change (change can be liberating). The ability to be independent is something that not everyone possesses, however this is a skill that can be taught. Learning to be independent increases our ability to survive in the world. Learning to support yourself, on your own effort, is fundamental for any success you ever hope to achieve in your life.

The ultimate ideal is to be independent and use that independence to help other people. We are not talking about helping people by making them dependent on you. Though sometimes that can happen without us intending for it to. Helping people by freeing them from their dependencies also helps them build their own self-esteem.

The bottom line is this. Think for yourself. Live your life on your terms. Be willing to give help to others, ask for help when needed; be willing to learn, change, and invest in yourself, and then help others do the same.

It’s time for your Independence Day to begin. Set up a complimentary 30 minute one on one session to explore what’s possible for you.

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Say Something Nice Day

Vital Ability

Sometimes you have to be kind to others….not because they’re nice, but because you are. ~Anonymous

If you haven’t seen the Disney movie “Bambi”, I highly recommend it. It has a lot of valuable lessons throughout for kids and adults. One the the ones that stands out to me that I have carried through my life was referenced by Thumper, a young rabbit referring to something he learned from his mother…… “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

This is good advice to live by when speaking to each other and to ourselves.

Putting positive and uplifting speech into action has been the focus of many songs, poems, movies, and books over the years. We can learn a lot from these portable lessons of goodness.

One such call to action was represented as follows:

On July 31, 2011, the president and CEO of the Charleston, South Carolina Speech and Hearing Center, Mitchell Carnell, published a short Amazon book called “Say Something Nice: Be a Lifter!” The book was and is really about the health benefits you receive when you lift others up instead of tearing them down.

In 2006, Carnell’s work in communication and good works was officially recognized when the mayor of North Charleston, South Carolina proclaimed June 1 as Say Something Nice Day in recognition of Carnell’s communication efforts.

The aim of this special day is to fight against unkindness, bullying, and the lack of politeness that dominates society today. The world can be an unpleasant place at times, and if there is something that we really need, it’s a little more nicety and kindness.

This includes being nice to ourselves as well. It’s imperative to appreciate even the little things in our lives. Say something nice to yourself about the things you have experienced in your life; reflect on all of your accomplishments or completed goals (no matter how small). This can make you feel good on the inside. 

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind. Always. ~ Brad Meltzer

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Mother May I

Vital Ability

Take a twist on an old children’s game and revamp it to enhance some important workplace skills with a group of Teenagers or Adults.

Looking for something fun and interactive to do with your team, workgroup, co-workers, to inspire active listening skills, self-restraint, develop those leadership skills to give instruction, and take on instructions? Looking to participate in some fun healthy competition?

How to play the Mother, May I Game:

  1. Line up each player shoulder to shoulder about a foot apart.
  2. The player who is “Mother” (you can also use Father or Captain in place of Mother) stands in front of the other players.
  3. The “Mother” figure then calls on a person by name and gives them instructions so they can move forward. For instance, “Maxwell, take 2 GIANT steps forward.”
  4. The person who is called on must then say, “Mother, may I?”
  5. The “Mother” then responds either “Yes”, and the person can take the steps forward, or “No” and the person must remain in their place without moving.
  6. If the person makes a move and forgets to ask, “Mother, may I?” then they must go back to the starting line.
  7. If another person takes the steps out of turn, they must also go back to the starting line.
  8. The first person to reach the “Mother” figure, wins!

Twists on the Mother, May I Game: The fun can be ramped up a bit when the person playing the “Mother” role adds their own rules. For example, instead of simple “steps”, “Mother” can ask that the participants waddle, hop, jump or scoot. And all the steps don’t have to be forward – they can be backwards or sideways too, which can help the game last longer.

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Fools Paradise

Vital Ability

Each year on April 1st, a number of folks celebrate “April Fools Day” by playing tricks, jokes or setting up some form of a hoax. This has been celebrated for several centuries by different cultures, though its exact origins remain a mystery.

Those participating in these events often end up yelling “April Fools!” after they have completed their hopefully harmless innocent subterfuge.

It’s important to stay focused when looking to make changes in one’s life, seek clarification on goals and directions for accomplishing those vital steps which lead us to feeling fulfilled. However, it’s just as important to have humor, a bit of fun, and frivolity in our lives.

Take time to share something lighthearted and fun today with those that you make contact with. Maybe tell a joke, or even set up something silly and surprising that brings no harm to anyone.

It is totally possible to partake in April Fool’s Day without ending up looking like a fool in the end…….then again…..

Let us be thankful for the fools…but for them the rest of us could not succeed. ~Mark Twain

The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. ~ Sir Winston Churchill

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Making Goals Possible

Vital Ability

A goal is an object or an aim that we wish to achieve through action. When we set a goal, we are giving ourselves a target to strive for. Holding onto that end result leads to a more structured, meaningful, purposeful, and productive life.

The 2 most recognized goals are short term goals and long term goals.

Short term goals are the ones that a person will achieve in the near future, usually less than a year. These may be an hourly, daily, weekly, or monthly goal. Accomplishments of these goals, when built on each other, can help you achieve an even greater goal/result. Keep in mind, that in order to be successful at your short term goals, they have to be believable and achievable.

Long term goals are ones that a person will achieve as they advance through the different stages of their life and life experiences; these goals usually are set for a time that goes well beyond one year. Perhaps something you hope to achieve, in let’s say…the next 18 months. You can even place your 5, 10, 20 year goals…or beyond…under long term goals.

Tracking progress with your goals can be a game changer. When you measure progress while working towards a specific goal, you will be able to see that though you might not be, in this moment, where you are wanting to get, or visualizing yourself being, you will be able to see over time, that you have made movements in the right direction. Seeing that personal growth will show you that you are a lot better off than where you began when you first set your initial goal(s).

Before you set a goal, take a closer look at what you’re trying to achieve and ask yourself the following questions: 

  • Is this goal something you truly want? 
  • Is it important enough to pour hours of time and effort into it? 

If you’re not willing to put in the time, it may not be worth pursuing.

A useful way of making goals more powerful is to use the SMART  mnemonic. While there are plenty of variants, SMART usually stands for:

  • S – Specific (or Significant).
  • M – Measurable (or Meaningful).
  • A – Attainable (or Action-Oriented).
  • R – Relevant (or Rewarding).
  • T – Time-bound (or Trackable).

Just don’t think about your goals. Write them down. Once you’ve written your goals down, keep them somewhere visible; put personal goals up on your mirror or near your computer screen as a daily reminder and source of motivation.

Your action plan should include the overall goal you’re trying to meet and all the steps you need to take to get there. Working with a life coach can support your efforts to set and make steps to achieve your gols.

Goal setting gives you a list of manageable steps that you can take in order to take your life from where it is now to where you want it to go both effectively and efficiently.

Your life coach will provide a safe space during your sessions to explore these steps, and help hold you accountable as you work towards your goals.

It’s never too late to set goals for success!

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NLP Coaching (Neuro Linguistic Programming)

Vital Ability

NLP Coaching is suitable for everyone who wants to make a change, to improve themselves, or generally achieve more in their life. NLP can assist a person in staying motivated longer over longer periods of time, while supporting the person in meeting their goals.

NLP is a results oriented type of Coaching system that focuses on the importance of effective communication. NLP is a supplementary skill for Coaches who utilize this type of training with their clients, to help them reframe their behavior patterns to a more empowering pattern until it becomes a conscious habit.

The “N” stands for Neuro (referring to mind, brain, and body). Neuro incorporates the mental and emotional components of neurology;

The “L” stands for Linguistic (the language of an individual); the language you use to communicate with others and with yourself.

The “P” stands for programming (our mental tapes to ourselves) by being able to use language to help other people tap into a deeper level of empowerment and results for themselves. Programming is the way our past experiences, thoughts, and emotions affect all areas of our lives (thoughts, feelings, reactions, beliefs, and traditions).

You Coach will be able to flow between multiple technique and models, utilizing specific ones as needed throughout each coaching session; NLP is one of those tools that may be utilized in your Coaching sessions.

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New Year Message

Vital Ability

Happy Holidays. I hope you have had a restful Christmas break; a generous holiday full of love, hope, health, and happiness.

Now we welcome the end of 2020 and the beginning of 2021. A time of renewal, a time of gathering our goals, our vision for our life, and honoring who we have been becoming.

Take this opportunity to work with an accountability partner. Begin by scheduling a complimentary session https://vitalability.com/complimentary-consultation/

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Brain Based Coaching

Vital Ability

Brain based coaching is a coaching approach rooted in contemporary neuroscience. It consists of the scientific study of the brain and the rest of the nervous system by the Coach. Using the latest insights into how the brain works, brain-based coaching is a new approach which complements and amplifies the principles and practices of coaching to create yet more powerful, positive and transformational changes for the person being coached. This is accomplished by facilitating positive change by first improving the thinking.

Brain-based coaching focuses solely on your direction/agenda. This type of coaching tool pulls out what’s already there inside you. Brain based coaching provides the structure, process to help you apply your best thinking skills and explore various insights. Brain based coaching is self-directed and encourages you to think for yourself. , the coachee.

This type of coaching works for clients as it creates a safe environment that is conducive to greater self-awareness, deeper appreciation of circumstances, new insights, and self-confidence. Brain based Coaching encourages lasting change through solution focused results, and self-directed learning.

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